- Completing a novel and seeing it published.
- Spending two months in Ireland.
- Purchasing a home suitable to run an Air B&B.
In December, 2016 I completed my first novel. It is currently in the editing stage and I hope to submit it to a publisher for review by the end of June this year. My other two goals have proven a bit more elusive. Last year I created a vision board in two parts for my trip to Ireland and the Air B&B. One sits on my bedroom dresser and the other covers the walls of my cubicle at work.
Last fall I made the decision to postpone the Ireland trip until a more opportune time. In December I began searching for a house, and three weeks ago I viewed number fifty-one. I did make an offer on a cute bungalow (probably number forty-six or so), but it was rejected by the seller due to circumstances my agent was unaware of. I think fifty-some houses is more than enough, don’t you?
On Tuesday, April 11, I will let die my dream of purchasing a house and opening an Air B&B.
You may be wondering why not postpone it like I did the trip to Ireland? But the Air B&B dream feels different, somehow larger and more daunting than an extended vacation. The vision for it comes straight from my sense of self – who I am at a core level. There is something inherent in my makeup that compels me to create a haven with space enough to welcome strangers and guests. This dream differs from almost every other I have ever had because of how fundamental it is to what makes me me.
You may now be wondering how or why I could let such a core piece of myself die. Recently I have been learning a lot about making space. At the moment, my life, my schedule, and even my mind are bursting at the seams, leaving little room for anything new. My novel and a future trip to Ireland are goals I can comfortably and easily hold onto – make space for if you will. Now new dreams are stepping to the fore, like studying Reiki and other forms of energy healing, developing my intuition using the Tarot, even as I dabble in astrology, quantum physics, and other metaphysical spheres of interest. These need time and energy that is difficult to give under the immense looming shadow of an Air B&B.
While my dreams and goals vie for space, I still have my job, my family, my friends, and even myself, all needing room to grow and develop. Because of this it is not enough to put the dream of the B&B on a back burner – assuming I had an empty burner. A dream this big, this filled with life would only fester and mold if left unattended out in the open. No, it must die a proper death and be buried once and for all.
I told a friend about my decision to let the dream die and after hearing my reasons, she said, “Then we need to have a conversation about how those fundamental desires could be fulfilled another way.” Brilliant. Most religions of the world have a philosophy that includes some sort of life after death. Be it reincarnation or the existence of heaven and hell, many people hold to a belief that death is simply a doorway to another form of life.
In one conversation about death, Jesus used the metaphor of a seed.
Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it abides alone.
In a very real sense a seed, when buried in dirt, dies, but its death brings forth a life the seed never could have imagined. There is no discernible relationship between the acorn and the oak excepting what the acorn may become given the right circumstances. Jesus’ metaphor teaches that there can be no resurrection without a death, and we learn from the acorn that the full-grown oak is both measurably and fundamentally different from the seed out of which it sprang.
And so, under the light of a full pink moon, I will bury my dream. Pink is the color of the heart chakra, of love, and it makes me think of springtime. There can be no better moment to bury the seed of the dream I have cherished the most than during a full moon – the appointed time of release and gratitude – in Spring, no less, the season of new beginnings. In the midst of a profound movie, “Collateral Beauty” I heard a truth that I hope will stick with me for the duration:
Nothing’s ever really dead if you look at it right.
Much life has come from my journey towards establishing a home of my own that could support an Air B&B. I am grateful for all of the lessons I have learned along the way. I have met many wonderful people, experienced some heart-wrenching difficulties, and even discovered a few new things about myself. Now is the time to make space for other possibilities. I will bury this seed of a dream under the dark earth and grieve the loss of it. In my heart it will live as a seed of hope for better things to come.
I plan to dismantle the parts of my vision board related to the B&B and set up a new crystal grid to represent my grateful acceptance of what is even as I release what might have been. Other dreams will flourish and as they do, who knows who I might meet or what I might discover about myself along the way? More than that, who knows what new dream may grow from the seed of this buried treasure? No doubt what comes forth will bear no resemblance to the seed, and yet without the seed, what does grow would not have been given the chance to exist at all.